Many parents see Christmas as a time for children and assume they must sacrifice everything for the children, must do everything for the children and make the holiday a perfect and memorable experience for the children.

When my oldest child, Chelsea, was a baby and I was pregnant, I read a magazine article that saved our Christmas. I was ready to bake and decorate and shop ‘til I dropped. This was my first Christmas as a parent and by golly it was going to be perfect! The author of this article wisely reminded me that the perfect Christmas memories of my childhood came from when I was older, not from when I was an infant. I considered my 11 month-old daughter and my rapidly expanding waistline (her brother was born 3 months later), and in coordination with my husband, designed a Christmas that made sense for us that year.

Chelsea loved the lights on the Christmas tree, chewed happily on the boxes containing gifts, and truly appreciated the relaxed and happy atmosphere of that holiday season. Every Christmas is not perfect; like everyone else, I sometimes get so involved in my dreams and expectations that I come close to ruining Christmas for myself, and everyone around me. But there are some guidelines that can help make Christmas a good time for all family members.

Extended Family

Discuss your expectations and values with all family members who will be joining you over the holidays. Many problems arise due to clash in values ("But we always eat at noon.") or expectations ("I just assumed that if I cooked Christmas dinner, you'd have us all over for the next holiday.") Remember to deal with these issues each year there are new or different family members in town. Missing this conversation can lead to dreadfully hurt feelings that no-one will understand.

Deal with whether you will be with his family or her family in clear fashion and in a way that is fair to all. Two big meals in one day can ruin the holiday for you, to say nothing of your waistline. Try to plan spending relaxed and comfortable time with whatever relatives you want to visit.

My cousin, parent to four adult married children and grandmother to six, tells me that she rotates Christmas and Boxing Day. One year they all show up on Christmas, the next year it's Boxing Day. So far, it's working beautifully and all of her children's in-laws agree.

Shopping

The obvious issue is to be in control of your budget. Purchase only things you can afford, and be realistic.

Involve children in shopping for their parents and siblings. From the age of 18-24 months, children should be actively involved in choosing gifts. Little ones may in fact make gifts for family members. A piece of artwork from a two-year-old is priceless in the eyes of Grandma. The important thing is that children understand that they are making or buying gifts for family members. Once they have an allowance, they should pay all or part of the cost for gifts for their parents and siblings. Having the parents buy something, and putting the child's name on it, is not teaching the child anything about the joy of giving or well as the fun and frustration of shopping within a budget.

Involving the Children

Children who can write can help address Christmas cards, younger children can stamp and seal envelopes.

Kids love to help bake. We often get so tied up in the need for perfection, we can't allow our children to do their best, to participate, and to proudly serve the cookies or squares they baked. The kids are underfoot while you're trying to bake anyway, so you may as well get them working. These same children can take over the baking as they become ten or eleven after those earlier years of marvelous training.

There are many tasks for children in preparation of Christmas dinner; salad preparation, washing vegetables, tearing bread for stuffing, making decorative name tags for the table, setting the table, clearing up and washing the dishes (or loading the dishwasher). All these jobs give children the opportunity of working alongside adults, doing real work.

Children love to be actively involved in choosing and decorating the tree, hanging a wreath, displaying cards.

In other words, Christmas is not just for children, it's for all of us and if we all share in the planning, the preparation and the presentation of our holiday traditions, we can all share in the joy.

These concepts hold whether you celebrate Christmas or another winter holiday. Make your holiday just that; your holiday. Consider the age of your children, the tradition, values and expectations of all family members, and only do what you can and want to do. Have a wonderful holiday season.